I have a great idea that should be added to the health curriculum in high schools across the nation. Don’t worry, teachers! It won’t require any extra teaching time (the assignment will be completed outside of school). You won’t even have to grade anything as it will be pass/fail. Oh, and did I mention that it will eradicate teen pregnancy? It’s a bold claim, I know, but one I’m willing to make. The only problem with my plan is that it will require a great deal of time and effort, and a large number of volunteers in order to work. I’ll give you an overview so you can decide if you want to sign up to help.
First, the assignment. The student will be given these instructions:
- You must complete this assignment alone. No friends, no parents, just you.
- Travel to the volunteer’s home where you will be provided with the following: their car keys (and car), their credit card, their checkbook, their children, and a list of errands.
- Use the provided resources to complete the errands.
- Return all items to the volunteer.
Here is the list of errands the student will receive:
Next, the volunteers. In order to volunteer, you must meet several criteria.
- You must have at least three children. ‘Why three’, you ask, ‘when the student would be outnumbered with two?’ Simple. I’m assuming that the student will have two hands. Two hands, three kids. Now they’re not just outnumbered; they’re completely outnumbered.
- At least one of the three should not yet be able to walk or talk.
- At least one must still be in diapers (this is kind of a given if you meet the second requirement, but who knows? Maybe your kid is some kind of potty training genius.)
- Ideally, one child will be very recently potty trained, but still in the stage where they have to pee every 10 minutes because they haven’t totally learned to control it yet.
- Your oldest child must not yet be old enough to be considered truly helpful. What I mean by this is best understood with a quick example. The other day I went to the LL Bean Outlet with my three kids, my 10 year old niece, and 9 year old nephew. My niece held the baby and my nephew chased my 2 year old around the store while my 4 year old helped me pay. My niece and nephew are old enough to be helpful. On the other hand, although my 4 year old can help me with certain tasks (“Eli, throw me a diaper. QUICK!!”), I wouldn’t trust him to keep his brother in line while I browsed through a rack of clothing. Understand the difference?
- You must be willing to entrust your car, your checkbook, your credit card, and your children to a 16 year old stranger.
- BONUS to the volunteer who has a child with a food allergy, especially one in which the offending food goes by several names (for example, my son has a dairy allergy, so I have to watch for the words milk, whey, casein, and caseinate). This will ensure two things. A) The student will have to read every food label before purchasing it, adding precious minutes to their shopping trip, and B) the student will be unable to visit a fast food drive thru to satiate your starving, cranky children (see below for more details) for fear of an anaphalactic event.
- Another BONUS to the person whose baby has a cry/scream that could break glass and/or be heard two counties over.
Along with this list of requirements, several other factors must be put into place before the student can begin the assignment. This will entail the help of both the volunteer and area businesses.
- The bank must be out of lollipops and/or stickers.
- The post office must have a line that extends out the door.
- The supermarket must have just rearranged the entire store so that nothing is in the place that it used to be.
- The restrooms at all three locations must have been cleaned. Two weeks ago. (Bonus if the changing table is broken and the soap dispensers are empty).
- The car’s ‘low fuel’ light must come on as soon as the student leaves the driveway.
- It must be close to a mealtime and the children must not have had anything to eat or drink since the last mealtime.
- The child in diapers must not have had a bowel movement in at least two days.
- The car will have a spare diaper and wipes in it, but there will only be two wipes left in the container.
- The older children will have stayed up until 10 pm the night before and will have woken up no later than 6 am that morning. They also will not have had naps.
- The provided credit card will be maxed out before the student receives it.
- The supermarket will not accept personal checks.